Just a mess

It has been a long time since I was last on here. I just had my children here for a visit for the summer. I miss them so much already and they have only been gone for two days. My oldest is not a horrible child but just crushed me when he was here. What have I done. I am and always have been a "tough" mom. He has become so mouthy and disrespectful. I know that he is 16 and hormones are raging but still. The first time I was acutally concerned is when I was letting him drive and he was just being foolish and I told him to stop it. Like any mom would well he of course had something sarcastic to say so seeing we were inthe parking lot I slapped him across the mouth. This is what I would have gotten. Well he raised his hand to me like he was going to hit me. I didn't want him to think I was scared of him so I smacked him and told him to never raise his hand to me. Things seemed better and this was at the start og the visit. Well the night before they left he INFORMED me that I was to put all the luggage on the trailor with the four wheeler, so he could lay in the back of the Jeep. Well I didn't think this is safe so I said no. Well off we went. I told him to shut up the the neighbors could here him. I walked up to him and told him again and tried to push him in the house (we live in a neighborhood). He grabbed my wrist and started pushing at me and I thought I wsa going down the stairs. I ma just crushed to think he would lay his hands on me. Evrytime anything goes wrong with the kids I think is it because I left their Dad? I wanted them to come with me but he wanted to stay in New York. I thought I was doing what was best. I will never know what would hve been right but what happened to my sweet baby boy. He was my first and I would give any thing for him.