Feelings

Sometimes I just feel lost.. I am wandering around blind and aimlessly. I think I am making good decsions then it all seems like it is crumbling around me. I have my kids here and my step kids. I am trying ot treat them as I would my own but they just don't care. They treat me and my kids like we don't belong. I walked in the boys room the other day to hear my step son say to my son "this is my Dad's house he bought it and this playstation was bought for me and my sister" Well what the hell.... I wanted to grab that boy and spank his ass... where did the respect go??? My husband and I bought the house togather and while he might have put a down payment on the house the way it works with child support I bring in more money so hey it all works out and not matter what it is OUR home. This means mine my hubby's and all five kids equally. I corrected him nicely all the while wantting to scream at the top of my lungs. Plaese note that if I do something with my kids I do with all of them even if Dad is not coming along. He doesn't see it says I am seeing things that aren't there am I hearing them too. I even asked them if they treated their step father this way and they say no. I begged my husband to bring them here so we could all hang get to know each other .... it is so sad to say I will never ask again. I so looked forward to haveing them and now I have such mixed emotions I hate to take mine home and can't wait to see his leave.. I never wanted to be the mean step mom but no matter what i try they just are nasty to me if daddy isn't watching. Why are kids so hurtful. I have an 11 hour drive I am taking with the four we have here and I was excited about it now I sit everyday and wonder "how bad will it be" God PLEASE SHOW MW THE WAY

Needing a lift

I have so many things I need to do and just not getting them done. First and for most is loose some weight.... I know I know everyone says it. Well it has come to a medically needed issue. I have a blood clot and the pain in my leg just keeps getting worse. Can't go to the Dr for another 6 months if i want the insurance to pay anything toward it "love the insurance". I have read many articles and they say being over weight makes it worse and can eve ncause them "great". Well since 2005 I have gained 65 lbs stepped on the scale that was enough to make me crawl in a hole. I have to look at different and get on this. I hope next time i think to post I will have some success to type about. My kids are coming and we are having the recep for my wedding on July 11 lets hope no I will be 15 lbs lighter. We have a pool and we will be in it.

Life is too hard

Well I have not been on here in forever. Today is hard!!!! My sister e-mailed me that my Dad is not doing well. Then Mom called and she is a mess they told her that she should join a support group. Dad has many health problems and they can not find the couse of some of the latest ones. They told her that she should get a nurse to help her take care of him. She says not that she will take care of him. We are not ready for this. I am praying that God PLEASE HEAL MY DADDY. I know I am grown but I need him, he is miles away but knowing that he is there is so comforting. I have always been Daddy's little girl. I want him to stay with me forever he is my hero, the one I look up to, the strong one the one that was always there when something was wrong. GOD please let him know that I am forever Thankful for his shoulder I cried on so many times, the strength in his hand and reasurance in his voice threw all those hard times. Daddy was there with me threw things that I would have never made it threw without him ( almost loosing Aaron to SS services, all my childrens Birth, walking me down the eisle, my first husbands burn treatment at the trauma hospital) and so many more. God Please don't take him away. He is still young.

Thanksgiving

Well another Thanksgiving has came and gone. We had a great time!!! My children came down for the week. This time things went great! We had Thanksgiving at my house and my sister and her boyfriend came and Jackie's sister Karen and her son TJ came. We had a full house but the weather was great and the kids got to play outside (not so noisy inside). We celebrated Christmas when they were down. I really hate to see them go. Every time they come it seems like the have grown up so much more.

Just a mess

It has been a long time since I was last on here. I just had my children here for a visit for the summer. I miss them so much already and they have only been gone for two days. My oldest is not a horrible child but just crushed me when he was here. What have I done. I am and always have been a "tough" mom. He has become so mouthy and disrespectful. I know that he is 16 and hormones are raging but still. The first time I was acutally concerned is when I was letting him drive and he was just being foolish and I told him to stop it. Like any mom would well he of course had something sarcastic to say so seeing we were inthe parking lot I slapped him across the mouth. This is what I would have gotten. Well he raised his hand to me like he was going to hit me. I didn't want him to think I was scared of him so I smacked him and told him to never raise his hand to me. Things seemed better and this was at the start og the visit. Well the night before they left he INFORMED me that I was to put all the luggage on the trailor with the four wheeler, so he could lay in the back of the Jeep. Well I didn't think this is safe so I said no. Well off we went. I told him to shut up the the neighbors could here him. I walked up to him and told him again and tried to push him in the house (we live in a neighborhood). He grabbed my wrist and started pushing at me and I thought I wsa going down the stairs. I ma just crushed to think he would lay his hands on me. Evrytime anything goes wrong with the kids I think is it because I left their Dad? I wanted them to come with me but he wanted to stay in New York. I thought I was doing what was best. I will never know what would hve been right but what happened to my sweet baby boy. He was my first and I would give any thing for him.

After the Holidays

Well for thanksgiving we had my three children and at Christmas we had my man's 2 children. We had a great time. This is the first time we had his children here at our house. I am so happy that it turned out great. They had a great time and are looking forward to coming back this summer for a month.
We took them up to the hunt camp that we belong to and they rode the four wheelers and the dirt bikes. I was nervous because his son had a broken hand that needed surgery to repair but you know Dads and their sons. He was out there riding and he managed to only lay it down once and didn't get hurt.
The first night that they got here we took them to ride the horse. They had a great time. Alyssa had been to a horse riding camp so she had a little idea of how to ride Mathew was a little unsure but did great. I will post pics. at a later time.

It has been a long time. Since my last post we have bought a house and had mine and his children down to visit. I have found a new stable to keep my horse closer by new house. I really like it. I now have a trailer for my horse so the girlfriend and i can go ride. We have only had a chance to do this once but it was a great time.